


Get This Zucchini Off My Porch

by holtzisfordudes



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: #zucchinilove2k16, F/F, but apparently it gets girls to fall for you, holtzbert fluff, i mean ? leaving zucchini on a porch sounds like something my mom would do, this started as a short little prompt and grew into a long fic oops
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-07
Updated: 2016-09-07
Packaged: 2018-08-13 13:07:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7977811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/holtzisfordudes/pseuds/holtzisfordudes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Holtzmann had a lot of knowledge stored in her head, but there were only two facts currently on her mind. The first fact being that she liked Dr. Erin Gilbert a lot, and the second, that National Sneak Some Zucchini Onto Your Neighbor’s Porch Day was tomorrow. </p><p>At first glance, the two pieces of information may seem unrelated, but Holtzmann knew that she would have to find some way to get Erin’s attention, even more than usual.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Get This Zucchini Off My Porch

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you all for choosing to click on this fic! It means a lot that something comes from all my hard work! Love you guys :)

Holtzmann had a lot of knowledge stored in her head, but there were only two facts currently on her mind. The first fact being that she liked Dr. Erin Gilbert a lot, and the second, that National Sneak Some Zucchini Onto Your Neighbor’s Porch Day was tomorrow.

At first glance, the two pieces of information may seem unrelated, but Holtzmann knew that she would have to find some way to get Erin’s attention, even more than usual. Her go-to dance moves and winks didn’t seem to be doing the trick anymore. She loved to see Erin smile and laugh and get flustered and do the cute little lip biting thing she did when she was trying not to laugh… Holtzmann had it bad.

Anyway, she was positive that the prank she had planned would be legendary.

~~~~~~~~~

When Erin woke up on the morning of August 8, she did not follow the schedule that she’d normally follow. It was a Saturday, and her plan for today was simple. She was going to turn on Netflix, choose a couple of movies, and forget all about her problems. Well, problem, singular. A problem that went by the name of Dr. Jillian Holtzmann.

It seemed as though the wacky blonde had been finding every possible excuse to be near her since the whole event with Rowan had ended. It wasn’t that Erin minded, it was just that it was really making her question her attraction to the Ghostbusters’ receptionist, Kevin. He was certainly nice to look at, but Holtzmann was that and so much more.

Erin knew and had known that she was bisexual since high school, but she hadn’t really ever told anyone and considered it so much safer to be involved with men. Unlucky for her, men didn’t seem to be attracted for her. And then, the past few days, Holtzmann had been acting more distant. She stopped dancing whenever Erin came in the room and had only made one flirty comment, followed by a pretty half-hearted wink.

Remembering how lonely she was made Erin get off the couch and grab a tub of ice cream with a spoon. If no one wanted to date her, then maybe she’d just be in a committed relationship with ice cream. Jeez. That thought had even sounded sad in her head.

Ding.

Erin’s doorbell echoed around her living room. She groaned and rolled off the couch, practically dragging herself to the door. She was about to open the door but stopped herself for a second to fix her hair and then open the door. Instead of finding a person, like she had expected, she slowly looked down to find nothing on her porch other than a… zucchini. Had that been there before?

She was too tired for this. Erin bent down, picked up the green vegetable, and went inside. Leaving it on her kitchen counter, she flopped back onto the couch and selected a comedy movie to watch. She hadn’t even been watching for twenty minutes, when she heard it again.

Ding.

She reluctantly got up from her seat again and threw open the door.

“What the hell?” she breathed.

On her porch, gleaming in the sunlight, sat another zucchini. This time, when she opened the door, she stepped outside to look around. There wasn’t a person in sight! Why were these zucchinis on her porch and who was leaving them here? Did they think she had a zucchini fetish or something?

She grabbed the zucchini, slammed the door behind her, and sat back down to watch her movie. She figured that the doorbell interruptions would be over and that she would be able to finish the comedy in peace. That was the purpose of a day off, after all.

~~~~~~~~~

Holtzmann dashed around the side of Erin’s house as fast as her legs could carry her for the seventh time today. And, just like all of the other times, Erin opened the door to find none other than a zucchini sitting in front of her. However, there was a new reaction this time.

She could hear Erin shout, “Who the FUCK keeps leaving ZUCCHINI on my PORCH?”

Holtzmann started giggling uncontrollably. Every single time Holtzmann set a zucchini down and rang the bell, Erin came to the door. She couldn’t believe that Erin kept falling for it. Unfortunately, she hadn’t been prepared the prank to go on for this long and only had one zucchini left. It was time to call in a favor while she waited for a good time to leave the eighth zucchini.

Abby answered on the second ring. “Holtz?”

“Yeah, listen, I need a favor.”

“Okay… what’s the favor?”

“Zucchini.”

“Excuse me?”

“Go to the store and buy as many zucchini as you can fit in two bags and run here. You can’t drive though, or Erin will see you.”

“I’m sorry- you want zucchi- wait, Erin will see- are you- you know what, I don’t need to know. Where are you?”

“I thought it was clear. I’m outside of Erin’s in a bush. Just make sure to stay out of view of Erin’s windows.”

“Right, because I should have known that you were in a bush.”

Holtzmann hung up on Abby. Every second that they spent talking was time wasted. She was on a solid schedule of 20 minute interludes, and if Abby wasn’t here in the next 35 minutes, her schedule would be messed up. Luckily, Abby was incredibly curious about the situation and arrived in exactly 28 minutes.

Holtzmann took the two (heavier than she thought) bags from Abby and set them against the side of Erin’s house. She tapped her foot anxiously in an attempt to make the seven minutes until the ninth zucchini go faster.

"Are you gonna tell me what's going on here?" Abby asked.

"No..." Holtzmann trailed off suspensefully, "I'm going to show you."

Abby stared at the engineer, as if staring could reveal everything, but gave up after two minutes. It wasn't that she couldn't keep her eyes open, it was just that Holtzmann had been staring right back at her and it was mildly unnerving. She decided that waiting five more minutes to find out what Holtzmann was up to wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.

As expected, when the twenty minutes was up, Holtzmann silently took a zucchini from the bag and, staying low, snuck onto Erin's porch, barely managing to stay out of view of any windows. She winked at Abby and carefully positioned the zucchini to be right in front of the door. Then, she rang the doorbell and sprinted around the side of the house. She moved faster than Abby had ever seen anyone move.

"Damn Holtz, you're like Usain Bol-" Abby was cut off as she felt a gloved hand slapped over her mouth. Holtzmann just pointed at the door wordlessly.

Abby found Erin's reaction to be well worth the wait. Erin pulled the door open angrily, this time holding a baseball bat. She went to town on the poor zucchini, bashing it to a pulp before throwing it at the wall to the left of her and storming inside. Not even a minute passed before she stalked back outside, picked up the zucchini, and went in again.

"Damn you, OCD!" she had shouted.

~~~~~~~~~

Erin was done. She'd had it. She didn't think she could take anymore. Her doorbell had just rung for the ninth time today! Only to reveal another zucchini! The only thing that kept her going was the thought that Holtzmann might like to hear about the whole fiasco at work on Monday. It seemed like the kind of thing that she'd be entertained by.

She collapsed onto the couch, just wanting the whole thing to be over, excuse to talk to Holtzman or not. Her day of rest had turned into a day of stress, just like every other day of her life, it seemed. She reluctantly turned her TV back on, even though she wasn't sure how long the peace would last.

Ding.

The now-familiar sound of her doorbell entered her ears, minutes after sitting down. She told herself that she would be cool and collected when she answered the door and found, almost undoubtedly, another zucchini sitting there. The preparation was a nice idea, but unfortunately didn't work out. When Erin opened the door, she let out a scream.

~~~~~~~~~

The only thing Holtzmann heard as she ran around the corner of Erin's house was a bloodcurdling screech. She could hear Abby wheezing next to her, in between giggle fits.

"Oh god, Holtzmann, I think I'm gonna-" Abby erupted into laughter again, "gonna piss myself," she wheezed.

Her breakdown was contagious and soon Holtzmann was laughing too. Since it had been the tenth zucchini this time, she had decided to recruit Abby to run to the porch with her and they had arranged ten zucchinis in a heart shape. Erin's reaction was exactly what Holtzmann had expected, yet better at the same time.

The heart shape was meant to be more of a mockery of the fact that Erin was getting so upset over this and still hadn't caught her, but Holtzmann wondered if she'd have the courage to tell Erin her feelings after today. The two of them had grown close since the big battle with Rowan, but she didn't want to ruin their friendship. Still... it just might kill her if she never said anything.

~~~~~~~~~

After receiving the ten zucchinis in the shape of a heart for the, haha, tenth time, Erin assumed it meant that the whole thing was over. Yet again, she had been wrong! The doorbell rang for an eleventh, twelfth, thirteenth, and fourteenth time.

She had started sitting in front of the door to wait after the twelfth time. She hoped that by opening the door as quickly as possible after she heard the tone she might be able to catch whoever it was. She hadn't had any luck yet with that strategy, and since she didn't have any windows facing the porch, she couldn't just watch. She considered sitting on the porch to wait, but realized that the culprit would be scared off by that and she'd never have a chance to find out who it was. This all left her with only one option.

Between the thirteenth and fourteenth time, Erin figured out that whoever was doing this was doing it on a schedule. It seemed that her doorbell was rung every twenty minutes, exactly. The fourteenth time confirmed this. So, now that she knew when the person would be on her porch, she had her hand resting on the knob and her phone clock ticking down. She was going to catch whoever was doing this, and she was going to make them pay.

Ten minutes remaining. Erin tapped her foot impatiently.

Eight minutes left. Her foot grew tired so she switched to tapping her fingers against the cold metal knob.

Five minutes. No more tapping.

Two minutes. Nerves blossomed inside of her. Who would she find on the other side of that door?

Five. Four. Three. Two. As the timer hit one, she swung the door open to find someone standing with their finger barely an inch from the doorbell. Without thinking or really looking to see who the person was, Erin drew her arm back and slapped the zucchini criminal.

"Ow!" cried a female voice.

The woman in front of Erin recoiled and hunched over, meaning her face was hidden from view, but Erin recognized that voice from somewhere. She took in the figure's baggy overalls and mismatched socks, and then the familiarly fluffy blond hairdo.

"Holtz?" Erin asked incredulously.

Holtzmann straightened up to look at Erin, her hand holding her left cheek where Erin had slapped her. "Yes, ma'am?" she asked jokingly.

"Holtz, you little shit! You've been putting these zucchinis on my porch for the past few hours- oh god, and I slapped you- you must be cold- and you need ice on that- just come inside." Erin, torn between being mad and being in love, had inevitably decided on the latter.

Erin stepped inside and held the door open for Holtzmann to walk through. Quickly closing the door, she led Holtzmann to the freezer, where she knelt to grab an ice pack. When she stood up, she was standing very close to the blonde. She let out a shaky breath.

"Hey," Holtzmann said with a wink.

Erin was pretty sure that Holtzmann's wink was going to be the death of her someday. Her heartbeat immediately accelerated to what felt like its normal speed. Holtzmann didn't seem to be moving away, and honestly, Erin didn't want her to. She wanted to kiss the engineer and wipe that smug look off her face.

So she did.

Holtzmann was obviously surprised at first, because Erin didn't feel two hands on her hips until two seconds into the kiss. She took that as the go-ahead to place one hand on the back of Holtzmann's neck and run the other through the enticing blond hair above.

The first thing Erin said when they broke apart was, "Wow. Holtzmann, that was... just- wow."

Holtzmann grinned cunningly and commented, "Don't worry, Gilbert. Kissing isn't the only thing I can do with this mouth."

~~~~~~~~~

Holtzmann and Erin walked into the firehouse together, the next morning. They had been sure to clean up after last night's "activities", and Holtzmann was pretty sure that no one would even notice. She had even texted Abby to go home without her, and that Erin was just putting ice on her face.

However, when Patty and Abby started giggling, she got the feeling that maybe they hadn't been as discreet as she had hoped.

"What's so funny, guys?" Erin asked with an innocent tone.

Patty just passed Abby a twenty dollar bill and kept laughing. "I was wrong about you two! I thought it was gonna take you another week, at least!"

Erin stuttered, "Wh-what are you talking about?"

Holtzmann gently set a hand on Erin's shoulder and whispered, "You're wearing my shirt."

Erin looked down and noticed her mistake. Her cheeks bloomed a dark red. Holtzmann thought she was cute when she got all flustered like that, especially when she was wearing her clothes.

"Yeah..." Abby trailed off, "That's Holtzy's favorite shirt. She wouldn't let just anyone wear it." Then she shrugged. "At least I made twenty bucks off of it!" 

The four of them broke into laughter. Holtzmann felt happier than she had ever felt, with Erin now in her arms, and her friends all around her. Everything was going to be okay, and all she had needed was a couple zucchinis.

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly, this was just so much fun to write and I'm happy that you all seem to have found it funny. Please hop on over to my tumblr and see how trash I really am @holtzisfordudes!


End file.
